Uncut Japan ~ View topic

Joined: 01 Aug 2006 Posts: 55 Location: Tokyo

I work in the raddest English school in the greater Gotanda region. The teachers room is huge, there are some stimulating and topically vastly different conversations in the voice room ranging from "What's your favourite food?" through to "what food don't you like?" and we just got new carpet!

I have one serious problem that i don't know how to deal with. One of my work colleagues lets of several large and often putrid farts every day. A few times I have almost dry reached because of the stench. I have approached him about it, but he either ignores me, tries to turn my complaint into a rap of replies with "i fucked your mom last night, biatch!"

What should I do?

Confused, Tokyo

Joined: 01 Aug 2006 Posts: 2

Stand up for yourself, or you gonna get Steam Cleaned homeboy!!!

Joined: 02 Aug 2006 Posts: 23 Location: Tokyo

Gas can be caused by stress. Maybe you should embrace your co-worker and wrap yourself in his/her gas. Unity solves all problems and makes things bearable. Love thy co-workers gas...Biiiiotch!

Joined: 29 Jul 2006 Posts: 32

Farting is often considered fun, irritating, or at best, a base form of humour. It is in fact a serious social affliction that can unravel the life of a sufferer and should never been taken lightly.

Flatulence, or as we like to call it in the privacy of medical circles, ‘letting out the rat’, can have profound affects on both the sufferer & his friends, loved ones and colleagues alike. A bad case of flatulence has led many into the gutters, forced them out of home & career and destroyed their lives and stigmatizing them to one of outcast and social misfit.

It is not a commonly known fact that 4 out of 10 people suffer or have suffered this dis-ease, either chronically or at some point in their lives and in times of severe stress. Often it comes and goes with the onset of puberty, leaving the patient to live an almost normal life with little more than bad memories of the experience (and a few less friends). Occasionally though, this adolescent for some inexplicable reason finds flatulence ‘fun’ or ‘enjoyable’. A viscous cycle is set up where the individual cannot let go of this habitual behaviour and takes it with him (or in rare cases, her) into their adult life. This is where the problem really takes root.

The sufferer, or as we like to call him in the privacy of medical circles, ‘the filthy pig’, continues with this behaviour; finding foods that both increase the volume of each ‘belly belch’ & the rancid quality. Quality is an all important factor, for to clean out an entire room empowers him/her and feeds the ego of the sufferer.

Signs to look out for:

As with all addictive behaviour, there are certain red flags which one can look out for.

The scratching of ones balls then the smelling of them

A faint grin, prior to the onset of something terrible

The incessant use of raps and rhymes in normal everyday conversation

Very short hair

Shifting of ones weight when sitting down, quietly

What you can do:

First and foremost, do not forsake your friend/loved one. In this point in time they need you more than ever. Stick with him. Be kind but firm.

DO NOT LEAVE THE ROOM WHEN FLATULENCE OCCURS. This will only reinforce the power structure s/he has set up in his/her mind. As difficult as it may seem, your strength in this is paramount.

Finally, be a friend. Take him out drinking but do not allow him to get drunk enough to ‘let a few rip’. Get him interacting with as many normal people as possible. Avoid Curry restaurants and elevators and keep his self esteem up by telling him how good that cologne he’s wearing smells. Above all, love and respect go a long way. Remember, farting is natural, but so is Ebola.

Dr. Chops

Dear Dr. Chops,

Your post is so well written, it belongs in a medical journal. This is great advice for anyone with a friend going through the same troubled times.

You make a good point about the whole power-play aspect of flatulation. I can relate to this, as I have a friend who is lactose intolerant and used to purposely drink milk before going to nightclubs and warehouse parties.

He hated people bumping into him on the dancefloor, so he'd let out a nasty lactose bomb to clear some space and bust out his funky dance moves. I don't know if you've ever smelled a lactose intolerant fart, but I can assure you, it's not an experience you want to live through twice.

I think he really enjoyed being in control of the dancefloor like that.

Joined: 02 Aug 2006 Posts: 23 Location: Tokyo

Its all a bit much!

Just be free and natural...Burn The Air Campaign starts now!!!

Joined: 01 Aug 2006 Posts: 24 Location: Tokyo

My own personal spin on this is that said co-worker, probably doesn`t eat enough pork!!

It is a fact that large intakes of pork not only reduce the amount of times one `lets off` but also turns the smell from `a pungent dog turd covered in burnt hair` to that of ` the soft fragrance of a virgins thighs`

There you have it problem solved!!

Joined: 01 Aug 2006 Posts: 55 Location: Tokyo

Thank you Dr. Chops. You have provided with an insight into something I knew little about. I now have the confidence to go to work without constantly worrying about if a certain colleague is going to play me an unwanted tune on the backdoor bugle.

Now can you give me any advice on how to handle the NOVA Gotanda toilet? The smell has been likened to big foots dick.

Comments/suggestions?

Joined: 29 Jul 2006 Posts: 32

Joined: 01 Aug 2006 Posts: 24 Location: Tokyo

Dr Chops you truly do speak words of truth about poop, so i pose this one to you

Which is worse??

Having terrible diarreah and not be able to stop it for a year?

Having terrible constipation and not be able to go for a year?

This actually happened to my friends cat, and i can tell you it was not pleasant!!

I

Joined: 28 Jul 2006 Posts: 93 Location: Oomori, Tokyo

Dear Dr. Chops,

although you have no doubt helped many people with their problem with gastro-intestinal challenged co-workers, I do have 2 questions that I still must pose:
1st: What if your co-worker does not drink? Is there anything else to do?
and
2nd: why did you choose to use 4 out of 10 rather than 2 out of 5? just curious...

sincerely,
butt?

Joined: 29 Jul 2006 Posts: 32

Thank you kindly for your faith in turning to me for answers to your questions. I must humbly acknowledge though that I am not fit or indeed able to answer such vexing problems. May I refer you to the words of my mentor, guide & spiritual councillor, the great Guru Sri Prabhupada patanjali saraswati Bhaktidevanta svami peranma vindaloo butter chicken (PBUH) the third, who when asked a similar question, gave the answer, “Fuck off, can’t you see I’m eating?”.

It is from the fresh well springs of your own inner perception that you may decipher the true meaning to this pearl of wisdom. As a jewel has many facets, & sun touches each with one of its many hues, you alone may glean the true understanding of his words as they touch you as an individual drop from the blissful oceans of the infinite being of the one true Godhead we call AUM . SHANTI.

Does that answer your question?

Dr. Chops

Joined: 01 Aug 2006 Posts: 55 Location: Tokyo

Dear Dr. Chops,

Please forgive my double barrelled question. I understand that you are indeed a busy man with many issues to deal with.

Firstly, it has recently come to my attention that an ex-Meguro teacher took a piss in the closet on his last day at work for the company. Do you consider this appropriate behaviour?

And secondly, the suggestion has been thrown around that a teacher should exit the voice room with a silent but deadly backdoor blast in order to persuade students to leave before the next class begins. Others have suggested that this theory should be taken to the next level and a turd should be left in a box in the voice room so that the persuading smell is somewhat longer lasting and more pungent, making it almost unbearable for students to be in this room. Do you condone such actions and what disadvantages do you see arising from such actions?

I won't get into the ethics of passing gas in Voice, but I will say that it could backfire on the next teacher. I've never heard of anything keeping a student away from NOVA. Not intense paint fumes, not a raging fever, not even a typhoon...so I doubt a fart would do the trick. Sad

Joined: 01 Aug 2006 Posts: 55 Location: Tokyo

that's why I'm thinking a strategically placed turd might just do the trick...